A new phase

 Nothing is fun anymore; I keep feeling judged by an invisible crowd online for whatever I post.  I’m just trying to spread positivity and no one cares about the means I’m trying to use to spread it.  I know I can’t change the world with video game screenshots, but can’t I at least have the satisfaction of brightening someone’s day?  I’m losing interest in gaming because I’ve played so many, done so much, and it feels like everyone’s still the same level of miserable they’ve always been, possibly worse.  I’m also not seeing ways out of my situation, even though I sent 3 emails on Friday that should’ve fixed the problem!  The only solution I’ve gotten so far is to join Co-Dependents Anonymous, and I’m a little scared.  I don’t fully understand my problem, other than this obsession with fixing the world and the problems of usually women does wear me out and make me angry at more people than I should be angry at; the days are spent complaining that Western Society is irredeemably stupid, misogynist and homophobic, based on the election of Trump, the formation of the Tea Party and the MAGA cult, the Depp-Heard trial, the attacks on Arryn Zech similar to the attacks on Amber Heard online during, before, and after, said trial, the dismissal of rape charges against a Trump SCOTUS nominee, America not voting Democrat after the Pulse Nightclub shooting, White Sox pitcher Steve Clevinger not losing his job due to spouse abuse allegations, the online murderous hatred of Mitsuru Kirijo and Edelgard von Hresvelg, the hatred and pornification of Erza Scarlet, Ariana Grande, Amber Heard and Miley Cyrus and pornification of Samus Aran, Gal Gadot and AnnaSophia Robb and general belief that conservatives are the only patriotic American Christians.  Nobody challenges that authority unless they’re Democrats, who are called “godless woke liberal satanic communists,” even if they read their verse of the day in the Holy Bible app and have been trying to go to Church, and thus, they are dismissed as unknowledgeable, evil, stupid, naïve and worthless, so they go to Twitter to soothe these wounds and don’t get any likes except on their rock opinions, which makes them feel worse, because only one aspect of their personality seems to fit into society and they don’t understand WHY DOESN’T ANYTHING WORK?!  So they bury themselves in JRPGs because they can understand the characters in those better than people in society, even their own families, and become Twitter acquaintances with the voice actors this way, but this causes them to panic if they run out of games their favorite voice actors and actresses are in, because then how will they communicate unless he spends $450 he doesn’t have on the next generation of gaming?!  He can’t just relive their fighting games over and over forever on Twitter!  What is he going to do, the clock is slowly, or maybe even rapidly, ticking away.  What are you going to do to get Tara and Yuri’s attention after Engage, Daniel?!  And after Trails of Reverie, how are you going to get Abby’s attention?!  Time’s running out, the Switch is going to probably be replaced in the next two years, 2023 or 2024, and you can’t afford a streaming service, which is where everything that is not a game is going!  RWBY is on Crunchyroll, so you can’t watch it unless you pay for that, and most Anime is going to Netflix or Funimation, and you can afford those, either?  It’s all going away!!!

 

SMACK!

 

I have to walk away now; I was getting caught in a doomspiral.  This is happening a lot lately.

 

5 hours later...

 

I was diagnosed today as codependent.  I think I’m only gaming because I think that’s what other people want me to do.  I’ll finish Engage and Trails into Reverie, then stop gaming, because I don’t want to do it myself anymore.  Hopefully by the time I’m done with that July release I’ll have a job or at least new hobbies, because this isn’t working anymore.  I don’t want to be on Twitter, I don’t want to keep tagging voice actors, I don’t want to have this life of gaming, anime or excessive spending on music.  This gaming isn’t going to stop the next Pulse Nightclub shooting, or dehumanizing legislation, or an executive order for anti-LGBTQ+ concentration camps/death by firing squad, nothing is.  And not every LGBTQ+ human is Matthew Shepard, Miley Cyrus, Rob Halford or Tyky.  I want to leave Twitter and stop playing video games, find some entertainment that isn’t music, movies, comic books or video games to invest in and dedicate myself to that for a while.  I’d be open to fiction books, but I prefer non-fiction and autobiographies.  I want to put all of this behind me and start a new phase of my life.