Sleep eludes me, so I am writing. I spent and am still spending, in some ways, a huge chunk of my life trying to fit in someone else's box. Entertainers, internet users, fellow congregants, pastors...people who seem to have it together. And all it does is make me mad because there is always some important to me thing they will dismiss and want me to give up. Writing Samus and Zelda as a couple, the music I listen to, something religious or at least, part of religious rigamarole that has been there so long I can't imagine life without it.
I fantasize about living in Fodlan, having a cozy place with Edelgard, Byleth, Lysithea, Annette and Caspar, where we play with cats, enjoy nature walks and eat comforting food and sing together. I bought a ticket to Anime Washington, a convention in Tacoma, hoping to experience a taste of that with Tara Platt, Yuri Lowenthal, the women of Team RWBY, Brittney Karbowski and Erika Harlacher. While only Platt is "of Fodlan," Fire Emblem Engage, Persona 4, RWBY, and the Fairy Tail and Demon Slayer games echo that small, uncomplicated comfort. I don't know what a con is really like, but my brain hopes for a place where I can be me like that without feeling awkward or weird.
I don't know what to say a lot of the time. I am trying to be me, yet get support through social media, which treasures similarity and a lack of individuality. I got likes for statements on an underrated entertainer I like and opinions on Godzilla Minus One, but I don't know how to get that in other topics. There was little real sympathy for the half-decade since my Uncle died and also little support for things like "1975 was the best year of classic rock," "Miley Cyrus is a great rock singer, up there with Chris Cornell, Steven Tyler, Geoff Tate and Rob Halford," "SpaceGodzilla is my favorite of the Heisei Godzilla films," "My top Godzilla films would go 1-Godzilla; King of the Monsters 2019, 2-Godzilla vs. Mothra 1964, 3-Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla 1994 4-Shin Godzilla 2016 5-Gojira/Godzilla; King of the Monsters 1954, 6-Godzilla Minus One 2023, 7-Godzilla 1984, 8-Godzilla vs. Monster Zero 1965, 9-Godzilla vs. Biollante 1989, 10-Terror of MechaGodzilla 1975," "I like Sammy Hagar and Glenn Hughes and think they improved their bands," "'What has Rock and Roll Ever Done For You,' 'Wrecking Ball,' '(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction' 'Bygones,' 'Let it Be' and/or 'Free Bird' are my favorite tracks from Dolly Parton's 'Rockstar' album" and other such statements. It is hard that no one else seems to put Annette and Edelgard together as friends in Three Houses when they were my game therapy while my mind was spinning from the insurrection, they showed an uncomplicated peace and hope that too many congregants in my past tried to destroy with legalism. God and Jesus' spirit is found in the uncomplicated, the rest under the blanket, the willingness to shed tears due to an inability to fix the problem presented to you, the kindness shown in the small moments of sharing lunch and tea. The other paths suggest coexistence with the legalism that hurt me and continues to do so, ordering people who are small compared to you into a predetermined box.
It is hard for me to treasure my individuality when so many act different. I am fed up with MLB's sportswriters posting nonsense and snark rather than important stories of optimism fans want to hear. Daniel Kramer mentions Alex Rodriguez way too much to a city that doesn't like him because he didn't like it, and the Mariners are constantly underrated. I have enough faith in the team to buy tickets to 3 games, playing the Braves, Royals and Phillies. Granted, I want to see players on the other teams, but I am at the point that both teams should be enjoyable, rather than just one. Or maybe the sport is at that point. I also bought a ticket for a Mt. Baker Theatre concert of a Tom Petty/Fleetwood Mac/Stevie Nicks tribute called "Petty or Not" in March, and will be seeing the venue's Pride Anthems in June to see if their tastes match up with mine. I'm also going to see the Seattle Kraken play the San Jose Sharks, a team they clobbered 7-1 last month. Still, I'm not sure if anyone else would be excited, and spending money now causes panic due to getting overdrawn too many times, thinking my Mom will lecture and scream at me for failing. I can't buy MP3s without a sense of dread now, terrified by a misfire. She's doing the best she can, but I get so mad at her sometimes because I can't explain my feelings right. "I heard it on Spotify and liked it so I want more access to it in other places?" "I know it is likely to be good because I know the artist and they don't make garbage?" Does anyone else feel like they need to defend everything they do except grocery shopping and finding Edeleth, Annette and cat pictures? I keep hearing criticism on everything and it's making me angry and scared. I'm starting to lash out in places, and I don't want to. I don't know what it is to make decisions, confident they are right.
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