Honesty

 The last two posts were mostly written out of desperation and anger.  This year, my emotions have been on overload.  The honest truth is, I'm ashamed of needing voice actress Twitter accounts to help emotionally when people say "God is all you need" and my family is there equally, making me think I should choose between them.  But, this morning, I realized who I am right now;

I am worn out by the hatred, bigotry, prejudice and memories I can't forget.
I need my family.
I need my Church family.
I need my music, all genres.
I need to read what my favorite voice actresses and their friend Sarah are saying on Twitter.
I need to hug my plushies.
Who I am.

I want to just let go of the Pulse Nightclub shooting, but my mind screams how come 49 people getting murdered wasn't enough to convince America homophobia and heteronormativity is wrong?  Why do I, when I browse online, still see hate art of Yang and Blake, who recently kissed, or Edelgard, who is one of the first openly bisexual Nintendo characters?  You can tell me it's because she rioted against Rhea, or in the Blue Lions route, tore out Dimitri's eye and turned into the Hegemon husk, but in the Black Eagles route, the dialogue and Tara Platt's delivery make it clear this is a sad, fragile little girl forced into adulthood, longing to an end to her loneliness, a resolution to her pain.  I can identify with that only too well, the world often doesn't let you process the madness anymore and you feel thrust from one pain to the next.  To that end, you need people to help you grab the brake, slow down and realize what all has happened; 49 people were murdered in a hate crime, it didn't change people's minds, we spent years where daily something stupid and outrageous happened, constantly making us wonder if we'd see the next year and now we're dealing with the cult that thought that was good and hates African-Americans unless they're obedient, women unless they're obedient and the LGBTQ+ community.  It's not as bad as it was, not by a long shot, but it is becoming clear nothing is going to change their hearts, which is just as discouraging, we are looking at an indefinite amount of time when these people will make the rules for large numbers of people, causing crazy horror stories we can do nothing about.  So, we need to hang together, whoever our circles are, and find the necessary comfort to keep going, though our pace may be reduced, which, personally, infuriates me, but I think I need to accept it.  We're not going to go back to 2015 or get the cool Mariners-Royals future of 2027, we need to exist in the time and place we live however we can.

I Concede All

 I finally feel calm and free.  I want to forget that place and the people on it.  I want to reconcile with my family and create together, abandoning this life of solitude that does not work.  Those people are evil, they will abandon you and not help you in darkness.  They take and take and take, but do not give what you need, just what you want.  Now, I just want music and board and card/party games, not electronic entertainment like that.  It’s wearying and you constantly get into fights.  I’m done, I want to say I accomplished all I wanted to and I don’t want to do any more in that area, other than that Trails game and I will be fine if I decide not to finish it because it’s too hard.  I’m done fighting the GOP and willing to concede Eastern Washington, Idaho, Montana, Arizona, New Mexico, the Dakotas, Wyoming, Utah and the entire South except Georgia to them.  You can have your own America where your own rules are law and you can exercise the death penalty all you want and use slurs all you want, because I don’t want to be angry anymore.  I don’t want to fight anymore, you can even take the name United States of America and the flag, too.  Just let me finally grieve the life you beat out of me and the people you either outright killed or let die through negligence.  Let me finally process all the pain.  So much death, so much hurt, so little I could do…it just makes me so sad and without space to mourn, that sadness turns to outrage.  49 people died at the Pulse Nightclub and it wasn’t enough to make you think “maybe the LGBTQ+ community has suffered enough,” instead you got worse on them.  Just, just go away.  Take whatever you want, declare whatever you want, just…don’t do it here, not in my apartment, not in my house, not in my Church, leave me my sanctuaries.  Leave my friends and family alive, stop proselytizing them.  Stop reminding me of that pain by bringing policies, memes and heteronormativity to my doorstep.  Do it in your place, you can even kill in your own place, just…don’t do it around me and leave those I care about alone.  You can even take Tara, Abby, Sarah, both Lauras and Jeannie, they mean nothing to me anymore, just leave my family, both biological and Church, alone.  Take the MLB, take the MiLB, take Nintendo, take Godzilla, take everything but my music and my biological and Church families.  All is nothing but them.

End of Twitter and gaming, becoming an Uncle

 I’m leaving Twitter for good after April 16^th.  I’m going to try to only post there next week for Easter, AJ Michalka’s Birthday and Callie Day, as well.  I need to get out of this 2020 “siege mode” mentality, and that means no more Fire Emblem, no more Twitter and no more voice actors or characters from Three Houses or Engage.  I can play with Rise, Akihiko, Chrom and Lucina, but that’s because I associate those who play them with Critical Role, not Twitter or Engage.  It’s time to grow up, move on and become an adult.  I’ve been seeing myself as being too childish, that’s because I’ve been stuck in the animosity Twitter cultivates and encourages, that Three Houses and Engage place you in.  They teach you to hate your enemies, fight mercilessly, below the belt and never forgive, which is Satan’s way.  I am coming as prodigal, coming back from pointless, political hatred that made me hate my family and hold onto hate I had for a whole decade.

 

I don’t really like video games.  I’ll play to get to Noel Seeker, but I don’t really care to complete that upcoming game.  That’ll also be the last time I play to hear a voice actor in a game.  I actually prefer card and board games because there’s more personal interaction and time for conversation.  I never thought I’d say that, but video games take too much concentration and stress to be enjoyable and should be done alone.  Also, once you turn 20, Mario loses its appeal when you find all that expansion art of Peach and want to write stories where a self-insert has sex with an expanded version of her.  Then, Nintendo will make something you wish was canon harder to argue to be canon on the internet, so you’ll feel alone and that thing will get you in trouble at Church and people like extreme caricatures of people at Church pretty much replace one of the two major political parties so you worry you’ll die for it every single day and it isn’t until another Nintendo franchise has it canonically that you’ll be okay, but then you’ll become psychotically obsessed with the characters and actors and their significant others, then when you realize what you’ve done, you’ll realize you’ve become the biggest menace you’ve ever been and these people are not your friends, they don’t want to hear your inane ramblings and don’t care if you commit suicide in loneliness.  So, you have to seal it away from you for life, for their safety and so you can return to happiness.

 

Or, you could stick to card games and board games and not deal with this at all, and if you get obsessed with a musician, you just need to spend a couple years broadening your horizons, re-examining your priorities, spreading your interests.  Then, you can go back and maybe you still like it among your interests, or maybe it doesn’t interest you anymore because you’ve outgrown it.  Either way is fine and acceptable, nobody is judging you.  Nobody has the right to tell you your board games, card games or music is sending you to Hell or making you a bad role model, ideally, you can like it for any number of reasons.  This is the lone place where my last grudge with the GOP lies, I have been afraid for a long time that someone more rigid than I would take away my CDs of LGBTQ+ singers like Miley Cyrus, Rob Halford, Brandi Carlile or Tegan and Sara, or artists that aren’t “family friendly,” like Miley Cyrus, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne, Sammy Hagar, Whitesnake or Dio.  Yes, rock stars swear.  Yes, rock stars sing about sex.  Yes, I know what it all means.  Am I going to go out and have sex?  No.  Am I going to tell Jonah about sex or cuss words?  I doubt he’d understand right now, he’s not even a month old.  But I wasn’t planning on playing explicitly sexual songs or songs with swears or even loud songs around him until he was over ten at least.  Metal is on his playlist for when he’s ready and because it’s part of who I am, I am the uncle who gets jazzed up to “Crazy Train,” “Breaking the Law” and “Paranoid.”  But for now until at least 7, let’s stick to “Blue Suede Shoes,” “Achy Breaky Heart,” “Yellow Submarine,” “Hey Elvis,” “The Climb,” “Malibu,” and if my brother and sister-in-law allow, “no tears left to cry” "Every Mother's Son," "You Keep On Moving," "Victim of Love" and “Wanted Dead or Alive.”

Revelations by being honest

 The things that trouble me most right now are the cult of Trump, the inward demand to get social media likes, especially from Tara Platt, Abby Trott and Sarah McKnight, because my brain interprets likes as “you’re doing things right” because of an experience with an annoying kid over 10 years ago where he insisted I do what he wanted, not what I wanted, because what he wanted got more likes, so I became driven to outshine him, people painting Christianity as homophobic and transphobic and the fear that those three ladies’ good and the good of Edeleth, Annette, Yunaka, Zelmus, Bumbleby, Rise Kujikawa, the music I enjoy and other things I like will be forced from me by peer pressure and aggressive right-wing family members who think I’m not good enough because I like it rather than reject it.  I don’t want to deal with lectures, either in person or on social media, about tastes, I know I could be better, do more service and kindness, but I’d rather have things to put on than take off, places to explore and bridges to cross rather than burn. 

 

I can’t stop these things, I know I can’t, and I have no control over them at all.  But that isn’t what worries me, what worries me is not being able to express my feelings like this freely.  I worry endlessly about how everyone will react to this, that they’ll think I’m crazy or divorced from reality or I’m losing it and need to be put down before I hurt someone.  Because I keep thinking that about myself.  I keep thinking I shouldn’t be who I am, shouldn’t have these worries, be an adult and handle anxieties without Twitter pages, like everyone else does.  Just let it roll off my back in real time/don’t read those emails like Mom and Andrew do, not rely on the kindness of two strangers and the selfies and kind words of a third, establish a group, need the internet for nothing, be what I would call an adult and not feel like I’m relying on three sort of big sisters to get halfway through each day, posting photos of them and their characters and having plushies of their characters hug like some little girl having a tea party.  Maybe that’s what really troubles me, that I’m not like any other 34-year-old I know or ever knew, because I’m the only one who openly knows he has too much trouble doing it all alone, emotions too fierce, most people too confusing, personally unsure what choice he should make and they all seem scary, even when it feels like the right one.

 

Now I really do feel at peace.  Nothing may be solved, but it was nice, being honest.

First Quarter Favorite Music Revised and leaving Twitter in August, possibly in Two weeks

 Top Played favorite 2023 songs, first quarter, iTunes:

-Flower by Miley Cyrus

-Separate Ways by Daughtry and Lzzy Hale

-Divine Attack -Shingeki- by BabyMetal

-Need Each Other by Revolution Saints

-I Finally Do-Erika Harlacher

 

 2023 favorites:
1.)    Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)-Daughtry feat. Lzzy Hale
2.)    The Spirit of Radio-Kurstin x Grohl, Jack Black
3.)    Gonna Be You-Dolly Parton, Belinda Carlisle, Gloria Estefan, Debbie Harry, Cyndi Lauper
4.)    Jolene-Olivia Newton-John, Dolly Parton
5.)    Peace like a River-Dolly Parton, Dionne Warwick
6.)    Turbo Lover-Ronnie Romero, Nozuko Wakai
7.)    No More Tears-Ronnie Romero, Gus G.
8.)    The Shining-Ronnie Romero, Chris Caffery
9.)    A Light in the Black-Ronnie Romero
10.)    The Four Horsemen-Ronnie Romero
11.)    Through the Streets-Joel Gibbons, Joel Hoekstra
12.)    Lose You-Sam Smith
13.)    Who We Love-Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran
14.)    This Is Why-Paramore
15.)    The News-Paramore
16.)    Running Out of Time-Paramore
17.)    I Finally Do-Erika Harlacher
18.)    You Are The Music (Live 5/16/1992)-Trapeze
19.)    Way Back to the Bone (Live 5/16/1992)-Trapeze
20.)    Coast to Coast (Live 5/16/1992)-Trapeze
21.)    Midnight Flyer (Live 5/16/1992)-Trapeze
22.)    Die For You (Remix)-The Weeknd, Ariana Grande
23.)    Still Alive-Demi Lovato
24.)    Heart Attack (Rock version)-Demi Lovato
25.)    FLOWERS-Miley Cyrus
26.)    Thousand Miles-Miley Cyrus, Brandi Carlile
27.)    Violet Chemistry-Miley Cyrus
28.)    Muddy Feet-Miley Cyrus, Sia
29.)    Wildcard-Miley Cyrus
30.)    Wonder Woman-Miley Cyrus
31.)    Flowers (Demo)-Miley Cyrus
32.)    Out of that Truck-Carrie Underwood
33.)    I Miss Strangers (Acoustic)-Death Cab For Cutie
34.)    I’ll Never Give Up On You (Acoustic)-Death Cab For Cutie
35.)    All-Star Jam-Metal Hall of fame All-Stars
36.)    Eye for an Eye-Rina Sawayama
37.)    Winner Takes All-Nita Strauss, Alice Cooper
38.)    METAL KINGDOM-BabyMetal
39.)    Divine Attack-Shingeki-BabyMetal
40.)    Mirror, Mirror-BabyMetal
41.)    MAYA-BabyMetal
42.)    Believing-BabyMetal
43.)    Man on the Silver Mountain-Paul Gilbert
44.)    Holy Diver-Paul Gilbert
45.)    Heaven and Hell-Paul Gilbert
46.)    72 Seasons-Metallica
47.)    Lux AEterna-Metallica
48.)    Gold Dust Woman-Jenn Ford
49.)    Whipping Post-Jenn Ford
50.)    Hotel California-Jenn Ford
51.)    Eagle Flight-Revolution Saints
52.)    Talking Like Strangers-Revolution Saints
53.)    Need Each Other-Revolution Saints
54.)    Bed of Roses-Ian Hunter, Ringo Starr, Mike Campbell
55.)    Heart Wants What It Wants-Bebe Rexha
56.)    Call On Me-Bebe Rexha
57.)    You’ll Never Be Alone-Sweet & Lynch
58.)    Lights (Live)-Neal Schon, Deen Castronovo
59.)    Another Celebration At The End of the World-Mammoth WVH
60.)    Out of Pocket-Black Stone Cherry
61.)    Judgement Day-Kings of Chaos

I can’t stand the fear and anxiety Twitter brings, it is pure psychological murder.  Every post I make I fear will be scrutinized mercilessly by the judgment of man; a million times worse than God’s judgment.  They would murder the whole population of Earth that disagrees with them if given the opportunity.  They settle for assaulting you with words.  Just the fear of their cruelty sends me into doom spirals.  Standing up for values, morals, integrity, just makes you a target for these lawless ones who obey celebrities and politicians.  I am a Christian, I believe women, I’m an LGBTQ+ rights activist and I will post things echoing that, music, articles, artwork, screenshots and photos.  If that bothers you, you don’t have to look at my profile, much less than quote retweet that I’m an imbecile or reply that I’m a Biblically illiterate failure.  Your wrath just makes me want to punch you, but my morality forbids that, so I have to settle for a block to avoid continued harassment, then scream at the top of my lungs in my shower, furiously angry that empathy has become a sin in your circles.  I am going to try to avoid your hellsite and leave before the end of summer, I pushed it up from November because the fear you generate is too much.  And I’m only keeping it that late due to rock anniversaries and voice actor/their character birthdays, I honestly would like to leave in two weeks on World voice Day and make that my goodbye!  But my heart can’t go through with it.  Abby Trott, Tara Platt and Laura Post deserve better than that.  The 50th anniversary of pronounced leh-nerd skin-nerd deserves better than that.  But this is going to stop being an everyday thing, because you trolls don’t even have to do much to create your rule through fear over the hearts and minds of everyone there!


Twitter makes me so afraid and does almost nothing to ease it.  I’ve tried relying on Tara Platt, Sarah McKnight, Abby Trott, Jeannie Tirado, Laura Post, Agape, Thomas Horrocks, Erika Harlacher and others, but still the fear persists and continues until I weep.  Nothing they do helps long-term.  The only solution that works is to go away and stop thinking about it, disown my page and permit it to be torn apart by the den of wolves it resides in.  I cannot fight these huge forces of hatred and malevolence with anything, everything I do is just fodder for their rage and assaults of words.  It would be better to be blown apart by a bazooka.  Hate became too strong, it dominates Western Society.  Homophobia, misogyny, transphobia, racism, they all have cart blanche due to America’s 45th President and what his party allowed him to do to it.  Now, half of society can freely insult and terrorize people like me, which soon leads to statements like “Your parents never should’ve met,” “You are the most retarded person on the planet” and “Kill yourself already, you motherfucking faggot.”  These are thoughts I had myself and am trying to distance myself from, because I aimed them at myself for not fitting in.  I wanted to beat myself to death, and sometimes, I still do, because I cannot stop this fountain of evil and my morality would never forgive me if I joined their side.  So, I will kill my Twitter page, kill their access to me.  Maybe then, the shadows of the bestial Trump empire will leave my mind for good.  The actresses and pastors have helped, but not enough to push out the anxiety, I regret that I must say goodbye to such kind people.  Tara fights injustice for the middle and lower class, Abby is funny and joyful, Laura Bailey shows that being a nerd doesn’t mean you’re a loser, Laura Post shows being funny/adorable is more fun than being an authority figure, and you can be funny/adorable, an authority figure and a snuggle Mom all in the same person, Jeannie always gave me likes on my Edeleth stuff, she, Tara and Abby are always nice to their fans, Twitter just keeps them from seeing it all the time, Sarah McKnight has worldly wisdom with a laugh, Agape has a heart overflowing with kindness and Thomas Horrocks always knows what to say to put aggressive right-wing believers off the judgment seat, or at least provide relaxing kindness for left-wing Christians.  Tyky has a beautiful soul and is knowledgeable about Nintendo games and makes adorable art of Samus and Zelda.