Honesty

 The last two posts were mostly written out of desperation and anger.  This year, my emotions have been on overload.  The honest truth is, I'm ashamed of needing voice actress Twitter accounts to help emotionally when people say "God is all you need" and my family is there equally, making me think I should choose between them.  But, this morning, I realized who I am right now;

I am worn out by the hatred, bigotry, prejudice and memories I can't forget.
I need my family.
I need my Church family.
I need my music, all genres.
I need to read what my favorite voice actresses and their friend Sarah are saying on Twitter.
I need to hug my plushies.
Who I am.

I want to just let go of the Pulse Nightclub shooting, but my mind screams how come 49 people getting murdered wasn't enough to convince America homophobia and heteronormativity is wrong?  Why do I, when I browse online, still see hate art of Yang and Blake, who recently kissed, or Edelgard, who is one of the first openly bisexual Nintendo characters?  You can tell me it's because she rioted against Rhea, or in the Blue Lions route, tore out Dimitri's eye and turned into the Hegemon husk, but in the Black Eagles route, the dialogue and Tara Platt's delivery make it clear this is a sad, fragile little girl forced into adulthood, longing to an end to her loneliness, a resolution to her pain.  I can identify with that only too well, the world often doesn't let you process the madness anymore and you feel thrust from one pain to the next.  To that end, you need people to help you grab the brake, slow down and realize what all has happened; 49 people were murdered in a hate crime, it didn't change people's minds, we spent years where daily something stupid and outrageous happened, constantly making us wonder if we'd see the next year and now we're dealing with the cult that thought that was good and hates African-Americans unless they're obedient, women unless they're obedient and the LGBTQ+ community.  It's not as bad as it was, not by a long shot, but it is becoming clear nothing is going to change their hearts, which is just as discouraging, we are looking at an indefinite amount of time when these people will make the rules for large numbers of people, causing crazy horror stories we can do nothing about.  So, we need to hang together, whoever our circles are, and find the necessary comfort to keep going, though our pace may be reduced, which, personally, infuriates me, but I think I need to accept it.  We're not going to go back to 2015 or get the cool Mariners-Royals future of 2027, we need to exist in the time and place we live however we can.