Been almost 2 weeks

     There has been a lot of stress for me in the last 2 weeks, but it's been hard to phrase it.  The big thing that stresses me out is Europe is almost ready to go to war with America based on the emails I've read; with a French submarine docked in Ontario in case Canada gets invaded and them demanding the Statue of Liberty back.  I don't know how to handle this because I am the sort of person who worries about being thought of as prejudiced, while this cult is willing to cut off anyone who disagrees with them even slightly.  They claim religion, but that isn't how I was raised to think Jesus is.  There is a lot of hurt and anger and it overwhelms me, so I try to hide on BlueSky, but I get a lot of posts about the ongoing SAG strike against interactive media because 7 companies want the ability to mine their voice clips and create programs to replace them.  It actually makes me wonder if I should delete my "Great Voice Acting" playlist, because it could be a smorgasbord for the programs they are trying to invest in.

 

    On the other hand, seeing videos from "Date Everything" and Abby Trott's performance as Momo Ayase in DanDaDan are highlights of my current life, plus it's where I can remember Annette and Edelgard's warmth towards the protagonist of Fire Emblem; Three Houses.  Living alone, especially in these times, makes me crave reminders that good people who care about people like me still exist and haven't been erased.  I also share music and clips from Women for Women's History Month on BlueSky, especially Heart, Stevie Nicks, Miley Cyrus and Ariana Grande, as well as baseball highlights from the Spring Training of the day.  Right now, the Dodgers and Cubs are playing the season opener in Tokyo, which features Yoshinobu Yamamoto and Shota Imanaga pitching, the first time 2 Japanese pitchers start an MLB opener and the first time they start for the MLB in Japan.  I got a Seattle Mariners LGBTQ+ Pride cap off eBay for Pride Night against the Baltimore Orioles and my first concert of the year is Bit Brigade at the Wild Buffalo, performing music from Super Mario World and F-Zero.  I still have 8 pre-orders left on Amazon, and I found out that blocking the website is harder than I thought; I browse their upcoming CDs to chill and see what music is heading our way and without it, I went to an art website where I found corrective rape and erasure art against the LGBTQ+ community.

 

    The state of online art is truly sad to me when I look back on pieces 20 years ago.  Then, people had fun making art, and their joy made you want to try out Final Fantasy games that weren't on Nintendo systems at the time.  Now, I'm sick of all the memes, Sonic fanart and bids to be "internet famous" without any work by using image generation.  Also, 20 years ago, I don't recall seeing the amount of art produced in hatred that there is today.  Famous people are saying "don't put me in AI images" and they do anyway.  I miss the Stone of Adventure; a cheesecake website that made me interested in Final Fantasy VII and original characters while also producing more "all-acceptable" fanart of Link from Wind Waker and Starfire and Raven from Teen Titans.  Now, it's just generated imagery of Black Widow and Sonic the Hedgehog and hate art on Yang Xiao Long from RWBY for being a lesbian.  And don't get me started on the "react" memes.

 

    New albums are coming out soon from Elton John with Brandi Carlile, Billy Idol and Don Felder, which I'm looking forward to.  This Thursday night, Rush will release a box set celebrating 50 years of their existence, and I've been buying, playing and sharing Rush to attempt to show support for Canada.  At some point this year, Miley Cyrus plans to release a visual album, and I'm not sure how that will work, if it'll be on DVD and BluRay, but she tends to produce quality work.  

 

    I want to believe all the current news crap is temporary and we'll go back to "normal" in 2029, but I have so much anxiety that this is how my life is to be until either I die or the Second Coming happens and I don't know which will happen first or when.  I need more relaxation to dive into, and that is hard when my mind loops bad news and bad thoughts like a tape.  I do so much online and it doesn't feel like enough.  I spend a lot of time crying and just wishing the hurt will go away.  I wish I had access to that human warmth Tara Platt and Abby Trott generate as their Fire Emblem characters all the time, the closest I get is Church, and that's only once a week, I often find myself forgetting the sermon in the stress of life.  That's all where I am right now, and I hope this was informative if nothing else.

Another stress release valve post

     I've been trying to come to terms with all the junk that's happened in my life, not just the past decade.  When I was 2, I had hernia surgery and they took me away from my Mom after telling her she could hold onto me longer.  I was diagnosed a "failure to thrive" child due to my Gluten Intolerance.  I was bullied pretty fiercely from 4th Grade to Junior Year of High School over me going off by myself during recess to dream up stories, my fandom of Godzilla and them singing off-key "Happy Birthday" every day.  They called me retarded and they said Pink Floyd was better than The Beatles and they mocked my religion.  I spent 10 years in a Church whose congregation would earn Cabinet posts these days for their homophobia and distaste of certain rock and metal bands.  It doesn't help that I feel like I'm an empath, feeling other's suffering like it was my own.  The Laramie Project, the Pulse Nightclub shooting, the pain video game characters' backstories have, I cry and Mom says I might take it worse than the people it's happening to.  I saw a photo of a Canada Goose fighting off a Bald Eagle and said to myself "God loves Canada more than the United States, he will send the EU, UK and Canada to destroy this country and the best-case scenario is that the last few Americans will starve to death and cannibalize in the rubble."  I've seen online art of men committing corrective rape on lesbians and performing LGBTQ+ erasure.  The Republican government has no floor, and I can tell my fate is likely to be chained to a wall, legs broken and healing improperly, watching them perform corrective rape on all my lesbian friends.  I've been through so much, I don't want to go through that much more.

Thoughts as March begins

     I don't know how to handle this.  It feels like there are 16-17 voices in my head yelling at me to be perfect, anticipate everything from online posting and that I'm not doing enough.  I can barely look at my email or Facebook anymore, there is too much worry that paralyzes me and revs up those voices.  The voices want me to donate until I'm over $1,000 in debt, believing that will change things.  I've found replacements for the books, CDs and figurines from Amazon; World of Books, MP3s and Entertainment Earth, but my mind wants to punish me by having me delete the pre-orders I made to finish up my business there.  Two just arrived this last weekend, a gift for Cortney and the deluxe edition of Bon Jovi's "Slippery When Wet."

 

    I am losing it over YouTube.  I try to find Edelgard, Annette and Tara Platt-related voice videos, which results in the algorithm thinking I want to watch Dimitri stuff, which will cast Edelgard as an over-the-top, punishes her friends villainess who burns things down, lets flow rivers of blood and deserves death.  I dated her and Annette in the game, getting the video game relationship as high as it could go, which makes me really want to play Rune Factory: Guardians of Azuma and Date Everything.  Right now, I'm playing Pokemon Scarlet, which is fun, I'm getting all the Pokemon I want, but I'm nervous about getting wiped out by gym leaders and other bosses.  I also need to be an experience level I'm not yet to finish off the challenges of the Elite Four and Cassiopeia.  Even then, my anxiety worries I'm selecting the wrong types to challenge them with.  It'd be better if I didn't worry about using the screenshots for my BlueSky profile, but I've gotten such positive reactions to doing that.  I also have a pimple on my spine on the back of my neck that is causing me a lot of pain and someone said my Women's History Month playlist was "so white."