I've been trying to come to terms with all the junk that's happened in my life, not just the past decade. When I was 2, I had hernia surgery and they took me away from my Mom after telling her she could hold onto me longer. I was diagnosed a "failure to thrive" child due to my Gluten Intolerance. I was bullied pretty fiercely from 4th Grade to Junior Year of High School over me going off by myself during recess to dream up stories, my fandom of Godzilla and them singing off-key "Happy Birthday" every day. They called me retarded and they said Pink Floyd was better than The Beatles and they mocked my religion. I spent 10 years in a Church whose congregation would earn Cabinet posts these days for their homophobia and distaste of certain rock and metal bands. It doesn't help that I feel like I'm an empath, feeling other's suffering like it was my own. The Laramie Project, the Pulse Nightclub shooting, the pain video game characters' backstories have, I cry and Mom says I might take it worse than the people it's happening to. I saw a photo of a Canada Goose fighting off a Bald Eagle and said to myself "God loves Canada more than the United States, he will send the EU, UK and Canada to destroy this country and the best-case scenario is that the last few Americans will starve to death and cannibalize in the rubble." I've seen online art of men committing corrective rape on lesbians and performing LGBTQ+ erasure. The Republican government has no floor, and I can tell my fate is likely to be chained to a wall, legs broken and healing improperly, watching them perform corrective rape on all my lesbian friends. I've been through so much, I don't want to go through that much more.
Wednesday, March 5, 2025
Monday, March 3, 2025
Thoughts as March begins
I don't know how to handle this. It feels like there are 16-17 voices in my head yelling at me to be perfect, anticipate everything from online posting and that I'm not doing enough. I can barely look at my email or Facebook anymore, there is too much worry that paralyzes me and revs up those voices. The voices want me to donate until I'm over $1,000 in debt, believing that will change things. I've found replacements for the books, CDs and figurines from Amazon; World of Books, MP3s and Entertainment Earth, but my mind wants to punish me by having me delete the pre-orders I made to finish up my business there. Two just arrived this last weekend, a gift for Cortney and the deluxe edition of Bon Jovi's "Slippery When Wet."
I am losing it over YouTube. I try to find Edelgard, Annette and Tara Platt-related voice videos, which results in the algorithm thinking I want to watch Dimitri stuff, which will cast Edelgard as an over-the-top, punishes her friends villainess who burns things down, lets flow rivers of blood and deserves death. I dated her and Annette in the game, getting the video game relationship as high as it could go, which makes me really want to play Rune Factory: Guardians of Azuma and Date Everything. Right now, I'm playing Pokemon Scarlet, which is fun, I'm getting all the Pokemon I want, but I'm nervous about getting wiped out by gym leaders and other bosses. I also need to be an experience level I'm not yet to finish off the challenges of the Elite Four and Cassiopeia. Even then, my anxiety worries I'm selecting the wrong types to challenge them with. It'd be better if I didn't worry about using the screenshots for my BlueSky profile, but I've gotten such positive reactions to doing that. I also have a pimple on my spine on the back of my neck that is causing me a lot of pain and someone said my Women's History Month playlist was "so white."