My catastrophic thinking is out of control

     I am not taking these last 9 days well.  It is clear to me, as well, this is not going to stop in 2028, since a Tennessee Congressman introduced an amendment to grant him a third term, probably without him needing to win an election to ensure him in his current role as long as possible.  I foresee this is going to be a life term, and the Fox News Confederates raised on Rush Limbaugh and all the stuff Reagan permitted with trickle-down economics and getting rid of the Fairness Doctrine will cheer gleefully.  I heard a sample of my nearby neighbor's far-right news and they are presenting it as though everything Democrat, everything "Woke," is satanic and pagan and Trump is the only one who can restore sanity because we are out of control and ruining America.  They will never regret their decision, they will see it as the right thing forever, even as they burn in Hell for eternity.  I am honestly hoping either a coalition of nations carpet-bombs the USA into oblivion or that someone steals "the Football," gives it to Canada or China and turns the US into a crater at the bottom of the ocean, killing everyone in it because even the good Americans can't stop their children from turning evil as the Nazis raise them to be heartless, racist, homophobic and xenophobic.  Might as well look at my nephew and know he will turn into a soldier that turns his parents and I in to an "Auschwitz is a 5-star resort compared to this" death camp!  They took away Medicare and I have a doctor's appointment next week and a counselor's appointment today, do I just miss them and die?!  DEATH TO AMERICA!  DEATH TO ITS POPULACE!  DEATH, JUSTICE FOR HIROSHIMA AND NAGASAKI!  JUSTICE FOR THE CHINESE CHILDREN IN SWEATSHOPS!  JUSTICE FOR THE LGBTQ+ COMMUNITY!  JUSTICE FOR THE AFRICAN-AMERICANS!  DEATH TO THE WAR PIGS!  THEY'RE NOT HUMAN, THEY ARE THE SPAWN OF SATAN, MURDERING THEM IS JUSTIFIED!  KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!

    I said that last one in the shower last night, and started crying.  It's a line from King Dimitri from Fire Emblem: Three Houses, when he's ready to commit genocide against Adrestia because he's not well, he's seeing ghosts and he feels betrayed by a childhood friend.  He is a traditionalist and his nation has a state religion.  Adrestia is ruled by Emperor Edelgard, who I've talked about quite a bit.  She has been catharsis for all this madness in the past, she is a revolutionary against a theocratic dictator, who kills people for not liking her and has installed a system that leaves many without.  She suffers from depression from being tortured in "experiments" caused by an organization that seems to take inspiration from Nazis and especially Joseph Mengele, treating people as test subjects to experimental surgeries just to see what happens and not caring if their "subjects" live.  One of the best parts of the spin-off, Three Hopes, is that in the Final Battle, you can strike their leader as Edelgard with an axe repeatedly.  I feel the game's fandom has a lot of very aggressively opinionated people due to somewhat mirroring the current political climate.  I may be one, because I refuse to leave Edelgard's catharsis of striking down people who remind me of every bully I've ever met and suffered from.  But Dimitri is not one of them, she almost cries after killing him and suggests earlier he was her first love.  I don't want to succumb to anger, but it feels like I have to in response to all the evil.

    I've been listening a lot to Brandi Carlile, Miley Cyrus, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Eagles, Fleetwood Mac and things of that calm, folk rock nature these days.  My first NHL game is tomorrow, as well, which will be a nice distraction.  I am hopeful the Mariners won't cave to Executive Branch pressure and still have Pride Night and African-American Heritage Night at the games I'm going to in June, though I keep imagining a declaration that all Pride and Juneteenth celebrations will be prosecuted with mass arrests and beatings.  Right now hurts and future hope seems dim because of the overreach they're doing.  I would stop going to Amazon if they weren't the only place I know that has Yang and Blake necklaces and a bumper sticker of Edelgard with a lesbian flag.  I could try eBay, but I always feel highly stressed there, because you're not looking for something specific, you have a general parameter and you want something in there in your budget.  It did net me my Edelgard plush and my Mitsuru and Yosuke mini-figurines, but I can't imagine using it for everything, especially not shopping for Mom, my Brother and my Sister-In-Law.  I honestly am not sure if Bob Ferguson is doing anything based on his promise that Project 2025 would not hit Washington State.

2025 Amazon Reviews, maybe part 1

     I know that company is bowing to the current dictator-for-life (trust me, he WILL ignore the Constitution and Bill of Rights to do that within 2 years, taking advantage of his minions' majority in Congress to shred the values and there's nothing you can do about it because you're not rich), but they've always had a broad selection and I've ordered a lot of pro-LGBTQ+ items from them as well as a wide amount of Kaiju items.  These reviews concern 3 Godzilla products, the graphic novels "Godzilla vs. Kong vs. Justice League" and "Godzilla vs. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" and a Shin Godzilla Funko Pop.

Godzilla vs. Power Rangers

    Rita Repulsa and the Power Rangers enter the Godzilla universe, Rita teaming with the Xiliens for conquest while an uneasy alliance between Godzilla and the Rangers is forged. This story keeps the action coming relentlessly and also has a sense of humor, which I feel some recent Power Rangers stories have lacked. Rhinoblaster and Gigan attack the heroes, Rhinoblaster guessing Gigan "isn't into the witty banter" when he just attacks with his scythes, as well as Rita unleashing King Ghidorah, thinking she can control the beast of terror only to fail, with Godzilla and the Megadragonzord defeating the three-headed menace. Godzilla also gets a battle with the Dragonzord, which fans of both have been wanting for years. Highly Recommended to fans of both.

 

Godzilla vs. Kong vs. Justice League

 

    I had hesitation around this book, since DC doesn't always make the best decisions with their properties and Godzilla is a property that is easy to get incorrect by US-based companies. However, I was thoroughly entertained through the book. Godzilla almost kills Superman, with the two of them forging an uneasy alliance, and also fights Aquaman, Wonder Woman and Mera with a Kraken as well as Tiamat under the sea and Lex Luthor pilots the MonsterVerse MechaGodzilla in an attempt to destroy superhero and titan alike. Godzilla and Kong take center stage to beat back adversaries, though Kong becoming a Green Lantern didn't sit that right with me. However, it didn't detract from a fun ride on par with Godzilla meeting the Power Rangers.

 

Shin Godzilla Funko Pops

 

      This is a well-crafted figurine showcasing Shin Godzilla, admittedly with some liberties to make him more of a Funko Pop. The face doesn't poke out as much, the eyes are the typical Funko Pop black and there are more red highlights. This doesn't detract from this release, which is of one of the more popular Godzilla designs. I enjoy placing this among my other Godzilla Funko Pops just to see the variety of designs, as seen in the attached picture. With its big teeth and skull-tail (referencing the last shot of the movie), this definitely stands out and also fits in with other Godzilla releases from Funko. Recommended.

I can't sleep

     I have had difficulty staying asleep recently, staying awake when I go to the bathroom around quarter to 3:00 AM, and I think I now know why.  My anxiety is skyrocketing.  Every worst-case scenario I can think of seems destined to become reality.  It's like when I was playing a video game and a man wanted to turn his girlfriend who had been turned to stone back to normal and said "petrify!" and I joked, "And he turns to stone, too." and he did!  Part of me said the incoming administration wouldn't keep the free market, and they're appointing three actors to control Hollywood, no doubt to ensure it will produce propaganda, silence foreign influence and make it use AI to replace anyone who has a problem with it.  All pro-LGBTQ+ art and opinions will be shadow-banned to BlueSky, Blogspot and YouTube, then they will come for it there and begin arresting people, sentencing them to life in prison or execution to shut them up.  America's entire output will be praise of Donald Trump through a lack of protections for the minorities, bullying them to smaller and smaller areas until they are easy to find and put on trial!  We have no future!

    On top of that, my gaming is going to come to an end.  Nintendo has announced the Switch 2, meaning the Switch's days are numbered.  I know this was going to happen all along, but now I'm scared of facing the world as Nintendo removes the Switch's eShop and online capabilities, meaning within the next couple of years I won't be able to post video game screenshots, which is most of my social media output, and have to rely on what I've already done and other people's output.  And other people may not like that their work is used for someone else's output, even if it's positive, because it may mean less control over their stuff.  This could end up removing me from BlueSky because the voice actors will move on to things I have no context or ability to follow, the artists will draw to reflect those changes, and video games will no longer be open for me since I won't be able to afford the new system!  I'm getting stress-pimples just typing this!

    On the positive side, the Mariners finally made some infield moves to prep for next season, and while they aren't splashy moves, they indicated earlier they likely wouldn't be.  We may have wanted bigger infield names, but I think their offense is ultimately going to come down to Julio, Raleigh, Raley, Arozarena and promoted prospects to try to get into the playoffs.  I saw in 2023 from the Mets that big names and high-profile contracts don't automatically mean playoff success and like the 2010 Mariners, it was confusing that a team with two high-profile starting pitchers (Felix and Cliff Lee, Scherzer and Verlander) wasn't doing better.  These small moves ultimately put me in a better mood for the season, but Facebook's trolls putting laughing reactions on them and the San Jose Sharks and Seattle Kraken's Pride events really makes me mad.  These are serious things trying to better our world, they deserve praise, not mocking.  I am hopeful the Mariners will be able to do another Pride Event, maybe even when I see them on June 14th, because the Steelheads' cap event doesn't seem to be announced any more for that day.  Either way, LGBTQ+ people and African-Americans deserve more attention and compassion after all they have been through in this society.  It may not be easy and the Federal Government may give strikes against us for doing so, but I'd rather endure that than do nothing.  I'm still looking forward to my first NHL game in less than two weeks and hope it will start regular attendance in the years to come.

    Ringo Starr released a country album last week and I really like the track with Lucius and "Rosetta" with Billy Strings and Larkin Poe.  Envy of None announced a new album to be released in March, Miley Cyrus is going to release a visual album entitled "Something Beautiful" this year, a new singer named Hoss Carl released a cover of "Simple Man" and there was a new Country album that features covers of "Don't Stop Believin'," "Landslide" and other songs released last night.  I think I'm going to be relying on music more in the time to come, because I'm not seeing that industry start to fall under Federal sway and it's not moving on to a format I can't access due to my income.  I am aware one of my favorite singers, Carrie Underwood, may have become a Republican because she's singing "America the Beautiful" at the inauguration, but, like Billy Ray Cyrus, she's provided too many songs that are helpful against that guy and with anxiety to dismiss her.  I am mad, but not enough to cut her or her future music out of my life, Billy Ray only got his future music cut out because he hasn't produced much at all, let alone good, since pre-pandemic times.  A lot feels like it's coming to an end, and it's hard to deal with.

1/13/2025 update

     The L.A. fires continue to weigh heavily on my mind, I am very worried about Yuri Lowenthal, Tara Platt, Abby Trott and Jeannie Tirado.  I know they're still alive, I'm concerned with replacing their homes and that their jobs could be stolen by AI.  Yosuke, Marth, Alucard, Spider-Man, Edelgard, Mitsuru, Elizabeth, Kali Belladonna, Sailor Moon's Mom, Annette, Nezuko, Momo, the promise of Shelley Shelf, Jessica Cruz and Byleth have all been really helpful in the last few years and will probably be necessary in the time to come.  I'm losing sleep with anxiety.

 

    On the positive, tomorrow I do my second evaluation for Cascade Connections at the Meridian Haggen (grocery store in my hometown) and I might be taking a class to help me write a memoir.  I feel my experiences need to reach a wider audience in order to change things.  My first NHL game is less than 3 weeks away and I'm excited.  Both teams (Seattle Kraken and San Jose Sharks) have done Pride games with special jerseys and scrimmages in this month, so I feel good about seeing this.  Spotify has become my main music app/program right now, which makes me feel better, as well.

Social Media Issues and more

     I wrote this just now because the stress is getting to me. 

I feel I had a full-blown panic attack last night.  Yesterday felt like a beating, just absorbing all this craziness going on.  Los Angeles erupted in flames, making me worry about Yuri Lowenthal, Tara Platt, Abby Trott and Jeannie Tirado.  I also fear the right-wing saying God caused the fires to punish the sinners, ignoring the lessons of Job and Jesus talking about a pillar that fell upon some people.  Just because you suffer or have pain, it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible sinner.  Also, YouTube’s algorithm is showing me a ton of unhelpful, stupid videos on my front page and Trump apparently wants to invade Canada, Greenland and Panama.

 

              I honestly wonder sometimes if my anxiety makes social media impossible, since I get fits of rage and panic due to it, yet I want to use it to speak out and keep tabs on my favorite voice actors and artists.  I feel if I don’t, there’s no chance things will get better and everyone will think Christianity and the LGBTQ+ community are incompatible, when I’ve met two lesbian couples and a gay man at my current Church and some of them have leadership roles.  I like keeping up with my family, as well, my cousin crocheted a plush that, in its unfinished form, looks like a Luma from Super Mario and two of my aunts are always there when I feel down.  Still, there’s a lot of unhelpfulness and panic/anger, which may be distorting my concept of reality.

 

              I’m really trying to use Spotify more this year since I barely used it last year.  Already, I’m playing “Landslide” and “Saturday Night Special” a ton because it’s the 50^th anniversary year for those songs, as well as Miley Cyrus’ new song “Beautiful That Way.”  I’m also playing a lot of video game music from GaMetal and FamilyJules.  I’m also playing Legend of Zelda; Echoes of Wisdom and Fairy Tail 2 for the Switch, though I’m noting my anxiety is making playing video games harder.  I’m getting too scared of missteps and that my screenshots won’t be liked on social media.  I’m really hoping to get “Date Everything” on Valentine’s Day, provided the incoming administration doesn’t ban video games by then, which I wouldn’t be afraid of if it wasn’t for someone’s YouTube thumbnail.  I think you can tell I’m getting the “harm you” side of the double-edged sword of social media, yet I still don’t want to stop, I don’t want my voice muted. 

Really rough

     Last night, I wrote this and posted it to Facebook for 5 minutes: "Nobody listens, everyone is mocking me or being unhelpful, evil rules the world and the Churches and will not leave and won't even beat me up or kill me when I ask them to, just to heighten my suffering.  I guess I've treated all my friends like punching bags.  I want to die.  Nintendo hates me because Azure Gleam and Silver Snow are canon, while Crimson Flowers is not, just to hurt me.  The Yankees and Astros are getting all the Free Agents and trades and the Mariners can't buy a penny, just to hurt me.  No major band or musician will ever come to Seattle at a point that's convenient or affordable for me, just to hurt me.  I want someone to come into my apartment and beat me within an inch of my life, then stab me, just to end it.  I want to die.  I've even insulted my neighbor and he isn't coming over to end me.  I want him to end me.  I want him to kill me and get the Presidential Medal of Freedom for doing so.  Please kill me.  I want to die."

    Some hours of sleep has improved my mood, but I still feel down.  I really feel, based on the Heroes in Fire Emblem Heroes, Nintendo is giving a middle finger to all the Edeleth fans by focusing on elements from Azure Gleam and Silver Snow, to the point I expect them to say those are canon and Crimson Flowers is not.  This will hurt loads of LGBTQ+ people who draw Edelgard and Byleth, or pro-Edelgard art.

    Despite my warnings about AI on Facebook, people still use it and I lack the self-control to talk to them directly about it.  I feel AI is going to be a corporate dream as thousands, if not millions, are fired and made homeless under the incoming administrations' "Richer at any cost" policies.  Eventually, all the imagery and other AI output will solely be pro-Trump/MuX propaganda and history revision.

    Speaking of the rich getting richer, the Yankees and Astros got everything they wanted while the Mariners struggle to make transactions.  This is extremely painful as a baseball fan, because only certain teams who are already winners get anything while we get nothing.  We received two players this offseason and most have overlooked them and it also feels like we're going to have to throw prospects into MLB before they're ready.

    Someone claimed Ariana Grande would be doing a stadium tour this year.  It hasn't been announced.  I can't afford Hwasa and Linkin Park is in Seattle 2 days before I see the Mariners play the Dodgers.  My concert experiences planned for this year so far are a band playing along to speedruns of Super Mario World and F-Zero at the Wild Buffalo and an Eagles tribute at the Mt. Baker Theatre.

    I no longer wish for violence or death, but I feel strained and overworked for no reward.  I'm going to call 988 later today, because I don't think this is going anywhere.  I can't deal with this alone and that's how I feel I'm dealing with it.  I really want this painful part to end.