Had Enough

     I can't sleep and all I'm seeing online is making it worse.  We shouldn't need to apologize or explain ourselves or make concessions to the far-right maniacs, the homophobes, the aggressive anti-inclusion people.  What they want is not right and them telling me it is right, I am "weird," "defective," "wrong" or even "evil" is making me lose it.  I saw a play about events 25 years ago this month, where Matthew Shepard was lynched for being gay, and not one so-called "Christian" in that play didn't say "he got what he deserved."  NOT A ONE.  I have read and read and read Scripture again and again, and I will say I don't know the specifics behind Paul writing Romans 1 or 1 Corinthians 6, my Dad might, Vicky Beeching might, but that attitude seems more sinful than anything I've done since.  "Christian" comes from Greek "Little Christ."  Is that what you think Jesus is?  TRULY?  A man who'd say "He got what he deserved" about MURDER?  Not even warmakers in this country say that about their victims, or they didn't until 2016, at least, when civil war was declared inside the United States, based AROUND and CAUSED BY the people who'd say that to begin with!  And I had to listen to you for more than a decade!  I was in a position where you were always right, and you know what I learned when I finally felt so alone and kicked in the crotch I left?  The only difference between me and an LGBTQ+ Christian IS orientation!

 

   We are both trampled on and kicked and beaten with words, "weird," "wrong," "Biblically illiterate," until we think them and hate our own body, mind and thoughts.  We respond by leaving and hurting, hurting like we're in actual HELL, begging for kindness.  We believe these painful words about ourselves and let others think for us, rather than trust our own brains.

 Thank GOD there are reconciling congregations.  Thank GOD there are people like this character's voice actress, her friend, writer Sarah McKnight, who wrote "Life Support" and her co-star Abby Trott, who present this gentleness and joy to this planet.

 

I can't stand that we need to explain ourselves online because some deluded fucks think this is equated to Hitler and will rip apart the United States and all of social media to prove it.  I'm through explaining myself, I'm the glasses-wearing, goatee having nerd on the bus who listens to Miley Cyrus, Judas Priest and Lynyrd Skynyrd and thinks 1975 is the most underrated year of classic rock, all because all I've gotten is silence or disapproval until I finally presented that to my parents and I was scared to because their friends and neighbors kept seeing it first.  I'm a Coverdale-Hughes-Bolin junkie whose favorite Fleetwood Mac songs are "Over My Head," "Rhiannon," "Landslide," "Don't Stop," "The Chain" and "Gold Dust Woman."  Hi, I'm a weirdo who likes Hagar more than Roth.  Accept it or leave me alone, because I'd show you that courtesy.

Maybe I'm finding it

 

               My Dad liked my 1975 YouTube playlist, so I feel better.  I need more positive feedback on personal projects at this point, I told myself due to an aggressive understanding of scripture during my BCC days that I couldn’t trust myself or my joy.  As surch, now, when I want to make personal passion projects or things I want just for myself and for fun, I have this angry voice in my head saying “don’t do it, it’s pointless, your family won’t like it or care.”  I want to post a metal song for each day of October, after Dad’s feedback, I want to make classic rock playlists for 1969, 1977 and 1989.  I want to try to make personalized playlists for Mom, Dad, Andrew and Cortney, though maybe save that until next year.  I want to make a Rock and Roll Women playlist, as well.  Those are accomplishments I’m proud of on Spotify and I want to make a new, more modest versions in YouTube and maybe iTunes, as well, it’s hard to say for sure with that since I’m aiming to get a new laptop this Christmas, so I’d need to start again once that’s here.  I’m also open to other playlist ideas like every year since 2016, my top 200 of the 2010s and others I’m proud of.

 

               I’m getting my last two items from Entertainment Earth, ending my relationship with them due to their tendency for surprise charges at inopportune moments.  With that, I will completely control what I spend and when, rather than nervously wondering if the item will arrive when I’m not in a good financial position, which has happened way too often.  Now, the only thing I will worry about is overspending due to things being in my face too often.  I am good at tempering this attitude, but the abundance of entertainment I know I’ll like is sometimes really tempting.

 

 

Top 15 Switch games (10/18/2023):

1.)    Fire Emblem; Three Houses

2.)    Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

3.)    Blazblue Crosstag Battle

4.)    Fairy Tail

5.)    Persona 4 Arena Ultimax

6.)    Gigabash

7.)    Hyrule Warriors; Age of Calamity

8.)    Persona 5 Strikers

9.)    Fire Emblem Engage

10.) Demon Slayer

11.) Miitopia

12.) Fire Emblem Warriors; Three Hopes

13.) Stray Gods

14.) Naruto Ultimate Ninja Clash 4: Road to Boruto (or whatever it’s called)

15.) Power Rangers; Battle for the Grid

I'm losing it

 

               I think the only way to have peace in this country is for the United States to split apart into Cascadia and related territories and the Confederacy of Trump States.  I think the United States is dead, the two parties cannot co-exist and high-ranking Republican politicians insist on subjugating everyone who doesn’t think as they do, forcing them into a cult that already barely resembled the God they claim to worship and now just uses Jesus and scripture in name only to control their masses.

 

               Not that the Democrat citizens are much better, this past week, I’ve seen left wing people try to tear one another apart over Israel and Palestine.  It feels like my statement; that I’m no fan of Israel’s cruel government, but I feel there should be a Jewish nation in that spot because it is sacred to them, is not enough, wrong, unable to penetrate the vitriol.  I feel if Democrats were to secede, their nation would break into many smaller nations based on many factors, such as; whether or not you think Christianity should exist, if you like or dislike Miley Cyrus, if you believe Johnny Depp or Amber Heard and if you want to secede the governmental control to the Indigenous people because they were here first, or not.

 

               My brain constantly screams at me as I try to have fun or relax, because it went through 10 years of programming by a far-right congregation, which was then reinforced by barbaric politicians and has been since.  I keep hearing it tell me Hard Rock and Metal is wrong, modern Pop music is wrong, playing Edelgard’s campaign was wrong, enjoying Fairy Tail is wrong, having sexual thoughts is wrong.  Part of it is anxiety from my neighbor, but I don’t hear him as much or as loudly as I used to, now it’s all memories resurfacing like spoiled milk or other food poisoning.  I want to break this conditioning, it is draining me of energy and desire, I had two concerts last week and I missed them because all I could think of was an inability to help sad little girls and kittens enough.  I cry when I hear Edelgard’s song “Edge of Dawn,” as the lyrics detail her sadness and lack of hope she can trust the player to make her feel better.  Such sadness is in so many hearts and all I can think is “you can’t do anything about it,” and it guts me and I become a weeping mess.  I remember when my brother showed me a scene in the alternate route, he’s chuckling at Dimitri’s “Kill every last one of them!” I’m noting Edelgard sounds sad and I can’t help her and he even took Dorothea and Petra from her.  I finally put the Three Houses and fairy tail art in one folder and made a subfolder for Edelgard with cats and bunnies and as a cat, bunny, and even a giraffe and it doesn't make me less depressed, but I have a place I can go with it now.  I just wanted that stupid Pop Up Parade Erza Scarlet to put her with the same line’s Edelgard and keep my  imagination on happy things and Entertainment Earth takes my money, gets me overdrawn and leaves me with nothing because they treat me as the lowest of low priorities.   I just don’t know what to do with the burdens of anxiety and depression, I feel it may kill me soon.

October Writings (may be part 1 of a series)

 A lot of people take this month to do something within a theme every day, examples are Inktober (draw something daily), things with monsters, kaiju, the air of the season or some form of entertainment.  I am doing "Rocktober," personally, where I post a hard rock/metal song to Facebook and Twitter daily.  Thus far, it looks like this:

1.)    The Wizard-Bullring Brummies

2.)    Rainbow in the Dark-Dio

3.)    Tarot Woman-Rainbow

4.)    Flying High Again-Ozzy Osbourne

5.)    Crazy Train-Ozzy Osbourne

6.)    Lightning Strikes Again-Dokken

7.)    Man on the Silver Mountain-Rob Halford, Doug Aldrich, Jeff Pilson, Vinny Appice

8.)    After Forever-Black Sabbath

9.)    Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds-Geoff Tate, Michael Wilton, Craig Goldy, Rudy Sarzo, Simon Wright

10.) Straight Through The Heart-Halestorm

 

 I want to pick up writing daily during this month, but I don't think I'd have the creativity or self-discipline to do it.  I have made 3 stories this month, however and would like to share them here.  CAUTION: the first story contains graphic violence and all were written with more severe anxiety and depression than usual.  They may be upsetting or uninteresting.

The ferry began sailing out towards Puget Sound when a deckhand threw his hands up, blowing a whistle. “What’s going on!” barked the captain.

“That damn yacht’s not budging!” he hollered back. Another deckhand leapt off, swimming to the yacht, climbing aboard.

“Registered to UW’s Professor Murai. Nobody’s here, though…” he muttered, barely noting a red origami crane on a glass table. The surrounding sea turned to steam and a purple ray shot up, causing the yacht to explode! A mammoth, almost 400-foot beast with puny arms arose, striding slowly towards Seattle, roaring, revealing its mouth full of jagged, mismatched teeth! People on the docks fled in panic as it approached, staring, its hideous visage looking down upon them. It was immense, its tail lashing out, coiling and winding through the air.

Just then, the ferry shifted to the side. Something else was emerging from underneath. There could be only one alpha, only one king. He had sensed it evolving in Elliot Bay. One more, the humans had become a hindrance to his job protecting the Earth from false or less-equipped kings. Godzilla barreled out of the sea, bellowing at the top of his lungs. He gave a wrestling move the humans called a “Spear” to Shin Godzilla’s confused chest, knocking the behemoth into the piers on the seaside. Angry by the pretender’s resemblance to himself, he stomped on its chest. Shin Godzilla blasted Godzilla in the chest with his heat ray, causing the king to back off, snarling. Godzilla’s spines flashed, blasting Shin Godzilla. Shin Godzilla fired a beam from his tail, lancing it down to strike the king’s ankles and knock him over! Shin Godzilla added his oral ray to the blast, slicing Godzilla’s arm open like a scalpel! Godzilla swam forth, tackling the other monster at the feet. He rose, bellowing in fury, grabbing Shin Godzilla’s tail.

Godzilla slammed Shin Godzilla into the ground, careful to grab mid-tail to avoid the beam. He then went into a hammer-throw and tossed the behemoth into the Space Needle, smashing the structure and slamming Shin Godzilla to the ground chest-first. A mistake. Shin Godzilla unleashed his spine-beams, blasting Godzilla with 5 heat rays to his torso, legs and face, toppling him! Shin Godzilla toppled rubble onto the king, then approached, kicking him in his face before stomping on it! He then stomped again, before retracting and blasting out one of Godzilla’s eyes with his heat beam, then adding his tail beam, blasting the skin off part of his lower jaw! Shin Godzilla then kicked Godzilla’s head, heading off.

Also, a mistake.

Horribly wounded, Godzilla was still not dead. He unleashed one last heat ray, which punctured Shin Godzilla’s chest, making his corpse splat on the street in two cauterized halves. Godzilla himself then collapsed, his heart slowing, dying, but on his way out, he had taken his hardest challenge out with him. People stared in shock at the sight of the two dead Godzillas, amazed at the battle that had just taken place.

The End

 

 

It was an expansive void in between dimensions, black above, black below. White moon-like spheres giving off their own light swirled in the nothingness, some distant, some nearby. One settled near a surface, blue ripples radiating out from it in on the black surface. Two blue pillars arose, as did a purple one and a yellow and green one that consumed a purple sphere as it emerged. One blue pillar emerged a Godzilla with two rows of teeth and three almost-identical rows of spines that resembled coral and maple leaves with piercing red eyes. From the second came a second Godzilla, only more bear and eagle-like, heftier, a single row of teeth and a larger middle row of spines. The purple one yielded a Godzilla that was taller, but with puny arms, red and purple spines, a vacant eye and nasty, mismatched teeth. The green and yellow one yielded a green medieval dragon with red wings, half skulls on its shoulders, much like a martial arts Ghidorah the other three did not know, a gold serpentine tail, huge biceps, a giant, purple eye in the middle of its chest and tusks growing forward out of the decorative skulls’ eye-sockets. It was this plane’s embodiment of Chaos, and that will be its name. The white sphere descended to the middle of the four and briefly displayed the original, 54 Godzilla, who roared before rising above them. The four then realized his invincible power would be theirs if they were to defeat the others. Shin Godzilla fired his beam, striking Heisei Godzilla. He roared in fury and blasted Shin Godzilla in the face. Godzilla approached Heisei Godzilla, knocking him over before Chaos ensnared Godzilla’s neck with his tail! Shin Godzilla blasted Chaos’ tail, making him retreat it, Heisei Godzilla getting up and discharging energy into Godzilla by slamming him with his open hands. Godzilla punched Heisei Godzilla in the chest and Shin Godzilla blasted Godzilla in the back.

Godzilla turned and snarled, readying his heat ray when Heisei Godzilla grabbed his tail and slammed him face-first into the ground. Shin Godzilla shot Heisei Godzilla in the chest, while Chaos fired lightning from his protruding spikes, flooring both of them. He sprung up with his tail and used his wings to gain height, seizing the moon-like orb! It flew into his eye, the eyes on his head turning pitch-white as he gained tiny ears and his legs reshaped to match 54 Godzilla’s. The spines of that Godzilla emerged from his back and his wings grew larger and golden. Ghost Chaos landed, bellowing the 54 Godzilla’s ominous roar, then firing his breath at the stunned 3 while a red beam shot out of his chest eye! This knocked all three to the ground and Ghost Chaos bellowed again. Heisei Godzilla got up, then Godzilla, then Shin Godzilla, all roaring back before firing their heat rays! Ghost Chaos absorbed them with his eye and blasted them back, knocking them down again. Godzilla lunged, knocking Ghost Chaos to the “floor” and pummeling his face as Heisei Godzilla approached. Godzilla let Ghost Chaos take the blast of a Spiral fire ray to his head, exploding powerfully. Godzilla and Heisei Godzilla then pulled Ghost Chaos up, Shin Godzilla then blasting the chest eye with sustained fire from his mouth and tail. The eye shattered like crystal from too much energy, then the three blasted Ghost Chaos in the chest with their heat rays. The combined force made Ghost Chaos explode across the plane, turned to dust. The three Godzillas roared triumphantly, disappearing back to their own universes.

The End

 

 

Byleth smirked as she put on the black leather jacket, admiring her gray jeans and dark gray T-shirt. She tousled her blue hair at her reflection. “How YOU doin’?” she asked with a slight New York accent.

“Are you sure about this jacket and hat for our couple costume?” Edelgard asked from their walk-in closet. “I don’t think green looks good on me.” Byleth walked back to the closet, Edelgard staring at herself from different angles in the closet mirror, green wide-brimmed hat and loose jacket, black undershirt and matching pants with holes cut in the legs and a silver necklace and bracelet. “This just isn’t my color.” She muttered.

“Hey, you look great.” Reassured Byleth, standing next to her Emperor.

“You think so?” asked Edelgard.

“Trust me.” Smiled Byleth. “Besides, Rise’s coming tonight and you know she’d want to see us in the costumes she got for us.”

“Right, she’s coming with that CEO friend of hers…” began Edelgard, picking up some notes. “Mitsuru Kirijo.”

“Rise said she thinks you’ll hit it off with her.” Smiled Byleth.

“Not sure, I don’t know anything about corporations.” Replied Edelgard. “My business is leadership.”

“Well, you both carry the weight of large groups of people.” Stated Byleth. “Just…differently.” The doorbell rang and the two dashed down to get it. It was Caspar and Annette, Caspar dressed in a white button-up shirt with a red tie, black slacks, curved animal ears and an animal tail, while Annette had styled her hair to be wavy and was wearing a black skirt, a white blouse and an orange dog tail.

“Hello, Caspar, Annette…business animals?” asked Edelgard.

“We saw a TV show that Dorothea got Bernadetta to be the lead for and these characters reminded us of ourselves.” Smiled Caspar. “I’m Haida, the hyena who’s just a cool friend.”

“And I’m Inui, a cute dog who has a crush on him!” smiled Annette.

“Sounds fun.” Smiled Byleth.

“Yeah, there’s a secretary character that reminds us of you, Edelgard, she doesn’t take any garbage and she’s a mentor to Bernie’s character.” Added Annette.

“Sounds about right.” Smiled Edelgard. “We’ll have to check it out. Um, our costumes were picked by our friend, Rise Kujikawa.”

“Oh, she’s a sweetie.” Interjected Annette.

“Yeah, she’s apparently worked on a video game and I’m dressed as her character, while El is the one we consider her best love interest.” Said Byleth. They heard footsteps coming up and Rise arrived with Mitsuru. Rise was dressed in a blue shirt and similarly-colored fingerless gloves, a cape, a skirt and thigh-high boots with a golden tiara on her head, her hair had been let down. Mitsuru had dyed her hair black and was wearing two black powder-puffs atop her head, a black tank top, a white jacket and tight, purple pants.

“I didn’t know your friend knew Blake.” Commented Edelgard.

“We’ve fought side-by-side in a battle setup not unlike Smash Bros., I will be her partner if Yang is busy a good portion of the time.” Replied Mitsuru.

“She’ll also team with Elizabeth, who you met a couple years ago, a lot.” Added Rise. Edelgard couldn’t forget the strange woman, all things considered, she was harmless personality-wise, but unusual.

“And I see you dressed up as Lucina.” Added Byleth.

“She’s one of my favorites, I team with her and Chrom every Thursday.” Smiled Rise.

“Well, come on, let’s get inside.” Urged Edelgard. The six entered and Byleth went off to the kitchen, returning with 4 pizzas; pepperoni, meat-lovers, vegetarian and plain cheese. Meanwhile, Rise and Annette began setting up a game.

“I’m going to win tonight, Rise!” smirked Annette.

“Heh, you wish, you’re not a pro like me!” replied Rise. Byleth and Edelgard looked at the system Rise and Annette were setting up.

“What are you doing?” asked Byleth.

“It’s called karaoke, we sing songs and get points based on how well we do it. Annette and I have a rivalry in it.” Grinned Rise.

“Hope you have a good selection, I’m not sure I know much popular music.” Said Edelgard. Mitsuru handed her a piece of paper, doing the same to the other guests. “This…has the poem I wrote back at Garreg Mach?” asked Edelgard.

“You wrote a poem?” asked Annette.

“Just after Remire…I was…there was a lot in my head and I wrote a little thing about Byleth and I…I was embarrassed, so I arranged with Dorothea for it to be sold to a bard.” Admitted Edelgard. “Please, let me sing it. I think I am ready now.”

“We set up?” asked Rise of Mitsuru.

“All looks well.” Mitsuru replied. Rise put in the number.

“Reach for my hand, I’ll soar away,
Into the dawn, oh, I wish I could stay
In cherished halls, in peaceful days
I fear the Edge of Dawn,
Knowing time betrays.” Sang Edelgard.

“Well done.” Smiled Byleth, hugging her when it was done. “May I go now?” She handed Rise her paper and Rise put in the number.

“All of these lines across my face
Tell you the stories of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am,
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to, it’s true,
I was made for you.”

“Great job.” Smiled Edelgard, hugging Byleth back.

“Come on, Caspar, your turn!” smiled Annette with a mouthful of pizza.

“Oh, I’m not so good…” he replied.

“Don’t be shy!” smiled Rise, pulling him up. She looked at the number and put in into the machine.

“You know, you’re a cute little, heartbreaker, foxy,
You know, you’re a sweet little lovemaker, oh, foxy,
I wanna take you home,
I want do you no harm, oh, crud, I messed it up,
All mine, all mine,
Foxy Lady, Annette, yeah.” Managed Caspar.

“Um, that was good.” Lied Rise.

“Yay, honey!” smiled Annette.

“Be honest.” He sighed.

“We’ll forget it, ‘cause I’m going next!” reassured Annette. She input her number.

“Colors weave into a spire of flame
Distant hearts, the path still remains
Bear this torch and its undying light
Will guide you as you make your way to the fight!” she sang proudly and deeply.

“Beautiful!” complimented Edelgard and Byleth.

“Oh, yeah? Watch this!” snorted Rise. She input her number and began next.

“Like a boat, lost at sea,
With no sails, not a breeze,
I am drifting cold waters…” she began soulfully and mournfully.

“Which was better?” Rise asked Edelgard.

“Singing shouldn’t be a contest. I want to hear Mitsuru sing.” Replied the Emperor.

“I guess I should since everyone else has, but, my typical song isn’t well-known.” Admitted Mitsuru.

“Well, you have a pleasant voice, I’m sure you’ll do well.” Smiled Edelgard.

“Okay.” Said Mitsuru, handing her number to Rise.

“All my life, I been walking around
Only 5 inches off the ground
People say I need to be taller
Maybe I should start thinking smaller,

Sexy, bling, party, yah, money, cars, fancy yachts, sexy, bling, party, yah, money, cars, fancy yachts,

I’m famous on the inside, whoa-oh, that’s good enough for me.”

“Good job, Mitsuru, but you got a little pitchy, you reminded me of Elizabeth.” Commented Edelgard.

“Guess I spent too much time with her.” Chuckled Mitsuru.

“I think you all did well.” Smiled Byleth.

“You guys want to play Gigabash? We can rotate players in and out.” asked Caspar.

“Sounds fun.” Smiled Rise, the six sitting down to have a good evening together.

The End