More about anxiety

     My anxiety has been peaking off and on over the last few days.  There are two categories that drive it right now; "I thought I'd be more phenomenally successful at 35" and "I thought more things in my life had permanent solutions."

    It may take me until I'm 36 to see all 30 MLB teams, the only one missing is the Colorado Rockies and the main reason is most of my adult life, I've been unemployed and so I can't travel and speed up the process.  I have never seen an NFL game.  I have never seen an NHL game.  It has been ten years since I saw Judas Priest, 8 years since I've seen Guns N Roses, 5 years since I saw BabyMetal, 2 years since I've seen Brandi Carlile and I've never seen Halestorm or Ariana Grande.  And people talk about rock dying all the time.  I have only been to one Anime/Video Game Convention and you know if the election doesn't turn out right, it will be re-defined as pornography and banned nationwide and banned in each blue state by forcing it at literal gunpoint with the military.  I've never seen Shohei Ohtani, or Colton Cowser, or Trea Turner (though that one will likely change August 2nd) or been a writer/director for the MonsterVerse, or helped make music of the above or Miley Cyrus.  I'm 35, shouldn't I be successful to travel cross-country at a moment's notice?

    And why do things keep resurging?  I thought after Romney lost, the Republicans would stop trying LGBTQ+ genocide.  Instead, they put everything in one basket and poured on the gas like no tomorrow, and made the world feel like there may be not many tomorrows.  Why do I keep picking up new entertainment and buying new figurines and stuff?  It just takes up space.  Why are there bottles from all the sodas I drink, why can't I just recycle immediately?  Why don't I just buy digital copies of games?  I didn't have space in my apartment for that 6-inch Mt. Lady playing baseball, why do I think I have room for everything on my Amazon wishlist?  Is this my life?  Why can't my life be fun?  Why do I have to work and get no reward?  Why does everything feel so hollow and worthless?  I know Earthly possessions are all dust and spitting in the wind according to a translation of Solomon, but it seems even the joy of God can be fleeting when your attention is drawn to the world you're living in and the people crying for you.  Then you're back to the possessions, because that's the quickest way to make them happy; NCIS DVDs, Amazon gift cards, Critical Role comics, Lucina plush because Laura Bailey played her...maybe it's the deeper connections that make stuff more than dust for a time, remembering the people who gave us the warm fuzzies.