Tuesday, July 16, 2024

Some glumness being let out

     I THOUGHT I had an appointment with my counselor yesterday, but I called to remember the time and found out we didn't have anything set up and the earliest we could get together was the 26th.  With that in mind, I want to share some feelings I've had since last time.


    I've felt more helplessness than usual and more terror than usual.  I've felt a sense of dread for years, but it kicked into Overdrive these last few days and it was hard to get out of.  I mostly worry about the fate of the LGBTQ+ community, but it's not because I think if Trump wins he'll sign an executive order sending them to concentration camps January 20th.  It's more because that community has been a source of calm and relaxation for a very long time, ever since Miley Cyrus appeared in a Hannah Montana episode where she had anxiety over surgery a few months after I had my spinal fusion surgery and the morphine failed one night.  Even without that happening, getting cut open with a scalpel is scary, so it meant a lot that Disney Channel covered such an issue so close to mine.  Since then, my relationship has gone on so much with their musicians and video game characters that I had a very busy June this year being deliberate, nothing was just "oh, it's from this person, I'll post it," but pre-listened to or watched on Spotify, YouTube or iTunes.  I'm a straight person, but I can fill your June with music by LGBTQ+ musicians and Fire Emblem; Three Houses fanart and screenshots.


    Remembering that improves my mood, but it does create anxiety that we're entering an age where this talent is useless or more people are going to complain, saying "those people tried to kill my President" or words to that effect.  I know it is the worry of not being able to post or play without headphones songs like "Don't Call Me Angel," "Victim of Changes," "Breaking the Law," "Thousand Miles," "The Story," "Philadelphia Freedom," "The Climb" and "Bohemian Rhapsody" that terrifies me to the point that I think drastic action may need to be an option.  This shows why it should never be, but the thought of being unable to show off that side of me, like I was for so long in my old Church, bothers me rather heavily.  I could leave that place, I don't have the paperwork to immigrate to Canada and it's unlikely they'd take someone who'd need Social Security.


    This, as well as napping and going to bed early last night, has been helpful.  I only hope I can keep up the rising calm feeling.  Until next time.

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