Long-term demons

 

I am so tired of dealing with all this.  My computer’s broken, I’m criticizing myself because school didn’t work for me because I’m not built in a K-12 way and as such, I can’t forget Mom saying “Daniel, this is terrible!”  All my life, “you’re nuts,” “you’re crazy,” “you don’t know,” “you don’t understand how the world/God works and you’ll find out the hard way.”  Hate hits me as hard as a murder/rape attempt, just hitting someone over and over, again and again, knocking them down, urinating on them, kicking them in the freakin’ face, then desecrating an orifice out of pure contempt.  People are merciless, like all the bloody violence in the 1974 Godzilla film, savage, brutal, blood gushing before your eyes, manhandling, jaw-breaking, blood and anguish, laughing as you beat the ever-loving crap out of them.  I think the excessive red blood in that movie impacted me, because I keep thinking that’s what hate is.  Not a dislike, not a keep my distance, a savage pummeling until the victim dies from blood loss and being unable to eat because you snapped their lower jaw in twain and there are no bandages or casts nearby.  Brutal, savage, merciless.  It scares me.  I keep thinking some radical’s going to shoot Miley Cyrus and assault her corpse, or shoot Tara Platt for playing Edelgard and Mitsuru, the characters DeviantArt most wanted to kill.  I paid someone to draw Mitsuru like Titanosaurus from Terror of MechaGodzilla because her red hair reminded me of the monster’s red skin, and someone said “she deserved it.”  I wasn’t thinking anything other than fusing kaiju and Persona characters, and someone saw it as punishment, and all because she took the problem seriously enough to withhold information to ensure a better chance at success.  You do that to people because you’re scared of the reaction, which shows you are worried about the consequences, which are probably excessive and seriously bad.  And in this case, it was to bring the protagonist on board over fear of an apocalypse.  Both of them were scared what would happen if they and/or you didn’t act, the end of the world and a populace permanently afraid of rule-breaking and child abduction and subsequent torture.  These are big, powerful, scary things that plague even the best of us, and I feel I must fight to prove it’s valid, not some extremism or militarism, just plain fear of “what if I did nothing?”  I feel better doing this than sitting on the sidelines, wishing it will be okay, because wishes are ultimately useless.  You must act if you care, your enemies are.  And they’re not going away because you thought or said “take it away, go away,” that honestly only seems to encourage them because they see how upset you are.