Warning, this post details with some personal and sexual issues, as well as severe language, if that makes you uncomfortable, don't read this:
I’m worn out, I need quiet now. No more struggles, no more wars, no more
excitements that fade into disappointments, no more things I can only talk
about with a very small group of people, no more video games, no more manga, no
more comic books, no more action movies and no more DeviantArt. If I continue, I shall only speed along my
end. My heart can’t take it, my body can’t
handle it and my depression is running rampant.
It’s not for religious reasons, but reasons of self-preservation. I’m getting old, fighting Trump’s cult aged
me quicker than I would’ve otherwise.
Time to resign, listen to relaxing music and watch calming videos on
YouTube. I don’t even want to write fan
fiction, period, anymore, because that requires too much anxiety and
uncertainty. It’s time for a quiet,
uncomplicated life of calm and peace.
Gone is the boundless energy, replaced with weariness, exhaustion, a
little sadness, but more than a little pride.
I had a good concert run, I got liked and responded to by several really
cool people on Twitter, like Glenn Hughes, Joel Hoekstra, Doug Aldrich, Rudy
Sarzo, Taylor Motter, Billy Ray Cyrus, Noah Cyrus and Tara Platt, I said things
I felt needed to be said and did things I felt needed to be done and don’t
intend on stopping that just yet, just slowing it down before an outright stop,
I got a picture of me on HomestarRunner.com, I submitted dozens of created
character screenshots to DeviantArt, as well as yuri stories and screenshots I’m
rather proud of and even some expansion stories I’m proud of and don’t regret
making. There are people I wish I
avoided due to how poorly our relationships ended up, things I wish I had never
done, mistakes I made because I didn’t know better or understand the severity
of the situation, but life’s always a work in progress. “Ten years ago, if you drew something on yourself,
would you still like it? Of course not,
because ten years ago, you were a big idiot.
Fact is, you’re just as big of an idiot now, it’s just going to take you
ten more years to realize it.” -Alpha Church, Red vs. Blue Tattoo PSA. I don’t want to go into detail about my
mistakes and sins, because I always think of the people hurt by them, the
wounds I’ve unintentionally made along the way and the fact I can’t undo the
actions. There are a couple in
particular I wish I had never taken part in, if anything during my time on the
website makes me worthy of condemnation to the infernal pits, those two actions
more than fit the bill.
I asked for pictures of members of
the website to be photoshopped without their permission, they were hurt and
devastated by the callous captions the morpher had giving them, as well as
making them about 100 pounds heavier each.
I got involved with a selfish bastard named WBLStudios, who was a pimp
who treated me like a prostitute, demanding endless amounts of stories I wasn’t
comfortable writing to feed his insatiable sexual appetite which included;
ridiculously oversized pectoral muscles, worship of muscular women and extremely
overmuscled women domineering extremely obese women and demanding them perform
humiliating tasks to “please their mistress.”
I only did this because at the time I believed “loving your neighbor”
meant you couldn’t deny them requests, he would tire eventually and that he
would show me my way around the website because I was new at the time. Instead, he raped me like a cheap whore for
idiotic stories that I hated writing because they had such an ugly feeling to
them. Compassion didn’t exist, only
lust, everyone was inferior to his favorite and the size was so ridiculously
huge I could never get a good mental image and HE WOULD ALWAYS WANT IT BIGGER! Nothing was ever good enough for this fucking
pervert! It was always more, more, more
and if I complained, somehow, I was the one with the problem! He raped me like a pimp, beat me like a pimp
and made me feel worthless like a pimp. I read a former prostitute’s autobiography and
her “relationship” with her pimp brought me right back to this motherraper! HE IS THE MAIN REASON I WANT PROSTITUTION
KEPT ILLEGAL, PROSTITUTION ISN’T FUN, THERE’S A SEX-CRAZED MANIAC WHO BEATS YOU
IF YOU DON’T LET HIM RAPE YOU!
Sorry, I had to scream that
because a friend of mine supports prostitution legalization. I understand her argument, but if you’ve been
a victim of something that sounds familiar to a member of “the oldest
profession’s” life story, you’d not want the chance for that to not have legal
consequences. Admittedly, given how law
enforcement works in this country, they probably arrest the girls and let the
pimps go, rather than giving the girls real, licensed therapy free of charge
and arresting the perverted pimp. Much like
how African-Americans are shot by officers for having THEIR RADIOS TOO LOUD OR
A TAILLIGHT OUT! I can’t say ACAB,
because I’ve never seen a Policewoman shoot an African-American man, but
that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
Also, I did make two original characters a pair of policewomen, a blonde
and a brunette, and one day when I headed out of the apartment complex, I saw a
pair of policewomen, a blonde and a brunette, just making light chit-chat while
a male officer made sure everything was okay.
Kind of felt like a gift and made me smile on my walk that day. Also, I saw a group of 4 SPD officers in a
Starbuck’s once, getting breakfast and making jokes. Not saying these people aren’t capable of
murder or racism, but when you see them behaving like average people in average
settings, you’re less likely to believe ALL Cops Are Bastards. I will admit, I don’t remember if any of
these officers were African-American, but I mentioned the two Caucasian women
and there was a Caucasian Blonde woman in the 4 Seattle Police Department
Officers. But I am hurt immensely by the
abuse of power and systemic racism in our law enforcement. Often, when I hear sirens from my apartment,
it creates a sense of fear that some African-American, maybe even some kid not
even out of Elementary School, will not be coming home ever again. It also creates the fear somebody is actually
dead and they are headed off to investigate.
Either way, it’s a bleak picture of fear and hatred.
Maybe I don’t need to resign,
maybe I just need to be honest with my feelings. I honestly feel I should post this to my
blog, call it something like “exorcising the demons of the last 5 years,” but I’d
be mortified if Dad and My Brother found out about me posting expansion “art” to
DeviantArt. It feels like they’d say “that’s
not something a Christian should do.”
Maybe it isn’t, that’s a question I’ve been grappling with for
years. In fact, Trump’s victory, Dad’s
pulmonary embolism, Roman Reign’s leukemia, Miley Cyrus’ work with The “Fwaming
Wips,” My Uncle’s death…for a long time, I blamed it all on me not being able to
quit DeviantArt, to the point that I actually convinced myself that if I didn’t
quit, there was no way Biden was going to win the election. But I’ve never been able to leave full-term
and the big reason for that now is expansion art has taken a permanent back
seat to fan art that shows compassion. Pictures
of my old, first shipping couple since the Unwanted Suitors Event Match in
Brawl, Samus and Zelda, pictures of Byleth and Edelgard from Fire Emblem; Three
Houses, pictures of Yang and Blake from RWBY, fanart of rock stars, Critical
Role, being able to post Switch Screenshots to try to understand what people
think of my attempts to put characters like Erza Scarlet, Harley Quinn and
Wonder Woman in Smash Bros. and the WWE, expansion’s just the foundation and
just one of the genres I use for writing when an idea strikes, which isn’t
nearly as often as it used to be. I
prefer using it to show off impactful moments of my gameplay on the Switch,
great character moments for Erza and Wendy, Urbosa and Riju and Edelgard and
Petra. Sure, I didn’t make the game, but
I got the game to that point using my video game playing skill. Honestly, it’s the depth of these games that
makes me want to finish Hyrule Warriors; Age of Calamity, get and finish
Persona 5 Strikers and go back to the 3DS and finish Persona Q. Hopefully I can finish more games and
possibly get some more to show off and beat, but for now, only time and the
developers will tell.
